| Practical Wisdom - from the experts
2. If A Child Lives - a poem by an unknown author 3. Amazing Place - by Irene Berkowitz 4. Change The World Right From Your Own Home - by Judy Siblin-librach 5. Jewish Family Institute Focuses On Interpersonal Relationships - by Adam Grachnik 6. Overcoming Fear of the Ordinary - By Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. 7. Pull the Plug on Stand by Power - by Steve Bibla THE
POSITIVE - NEGATIVE RATIO Of course you love your child. But in the midst of all the daily demands and negativity, does your child really know this? Before you can engage in any fancy parenting strategies, you've got to lay the groundwork. The parent-child relationship is first and foremost a relationship. Parental "power" comes from the good relationship a parent has with his child. This is particularly evident in the adolescent years when brute strength alone no longer wins a parent any points. The only influence a parent has over his teenager is the influence of love; if the child cares about her parents, she'll try to do the right thing for them; if she doesn't care, she'll do whatever she wants to do. In earlier childhood this principle is also true but less obvious. It sometimes seems to parents of young children that their authority stems from the power of being bigger. However, this kind of power can only control a child's body -- her mind is always free. True parental power always stems from love. BUT I LOVE MY CHILDREN! Of course you do! But does your child know this? Does he receive your tender kisses when he's awake -- or only when he's sleeping? What actually happens when he gets up in the morning? Do you offer a steady stream of compliments, praise, and unconditional positive regard? Or is it, "HURRY UP! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE! PUT THAT DOWN BEFORE YOU BREAK IT! CLEAN UP THAT MESS RIGHT NOW! EAT YOUR BREAKFAST ... BRUSH YOUR TEETH ... MAKE YOUR BED ... THE BUS IS COMING ... LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE ... WHERE'S YOUR HOMEWORK?" Not that you mean to be critical. It's just that your child needs a lot of correction in the morning. In the afternoon. In the evening. And especially at bedtime. SO HOW CAN I MAKE HIM MOVE? The answer always lies in the quality of the relationship. Yes, there are some important techniques that you can use to gain cooperation, but there is not a single technique that can work in the absence of a secure, positive relationship. The relationship is the foundation of all discipline and guidance. So, back to the relationship: The more positive attention the child receives, the more cooperative he becomes. Repeat that sentence aloud ten times: "The more positive attention ... the more cooperative... " This sentence is the key to successful parenting. Memorize it! BELIEVE ME, HE GETS TOO MUCH POSITIVE ATTENTION! I'm sorry but I can't believe that. Research studies have ascertained that the average parent is giving his child approximately 96 percent negative attention and 4 percent positive! These findings are based on the minute-by-minute analysis of video recordings of parents and children in action at prime times during the day. How would your minute-by-minute interactions with your kids look in the hour following dinner, for example? If each minute had to be assigned either a (+) for positive interaction or a (-) for negative, what would your ratio be? How about in the first hour of the day? How about just before bed time? To help you in your self-appraisal, consider the following types of parental actions to be positive (+) ones for your child:
Consider the following types of actions to be negative (-) ones for your child:
It's actually impossible to parent without using some negative techniques. The techniques aren't meant to be negative -- they just feel negative to the child. The parent uses them because they are necessary at a given time. Of course, some negative techniques happen not because they are necessary for good parenting. They happen because the parent is a human being who has some human weaknesses and limitations -- like bad moods, grouchiness, a bad temper, impulsivity, and feelings of helplessness or stress that get transformed into rage. However, a bit of human error is tolerable in parenting --it really all depends on the ratio. How often do negative techniques happen compared to positive ones? In a given hour, how many positive actions does the parent make and how many negative ones? If the parent consistently makes predominantly positive actions, the child will perceive the parent as loving. On the other hand, if the parent makes predominantly negative actions, the child will usually perceive the parent as unloving, even hurtful -- despite the fact that the parent might be filled with love for the child! The ideal positive-to-negative ratio is 80 to 20.That is, for every four positive actions a parent makes towards his child, he can afford to make one negative one. For example, three hugs and a kiss, earns
you one request ("time for homework").Or three compliments
and a cookie, gets you one threat ("stop hitting your sister
or you'll have to leave the room"). No matter how many
things your child does wrong, you cannot afford to change the
positive-to-negative ratio. IF
A CHILD LIVES If a child lives with criticism ... AMAZING
PLACE The basis of family is, of course, marriage. The union of two unrelated individuals, who together make the pivotal decision to join their lives, has the inherent power to change, not just the separate histories of two families, but even the course of world history -- by virtue of the act of creating and nurturing new human beings, of creating a family. The stakes could not be higher, when it is said: "happiness in marriage is not a gift, but an opportunity." In this issue, we'll explore the profound "opportunity" in the state of your union.
Sound impossible? Rabbi Pamensky thinks not, and seems to be proving it with his extremely popular "How To Make A Good Marriage Great" seminars, developed in Toronto, and already being presented to sold-out crowds in 7 cities across North America, including New York, Miami, and Los Angeles (www.amazingmarriage.com). Pamensky starts by discussing our contemporary (and even legal) paradigm of marriage, i.e. the "50/50" partnership, in which the parties sail forward on a parallel course in life, each holding up their part of the bargain -- and he then discards this model, because it's just not good enough. By contrast, the Pamensky paradigm is not two parallel lines. An amazing marriage can be visualized as two lines intersecting at their core (the common symbol for a kiss), and mathematically expressed not as "50/50," but as "2 X 100/0." A Pamensky marriage is one where each partner is 100% devoted to ensuring that the other is the strongest, best person they can be. This is, of course, win/win, because when you inevitably need your partner, whether in moments of joy or sadness, you are guaranteed to be interacting with the best version of the person you chose to marry.
Cautioning a husband should never, ever give his opinion unless his wife asks for it (and even that should be qualified with "are you absolutely sure?"), there are five secret words, which are the only words a husband should use when listening (which really means listening) to his wife, when she has a problem about absolutely anything. Here they are: "aah," "uhm," "oh," "uh-huh," and "huh?" The underlying theory is women figure out how to fix 90% of their issues, just by talking about them! What a wife really needs from a husband is a sympathetic listener to comfort her and acknowledge her perspective, but rarely, someone to fix things for her. On the other side, a wife must remember her husband is not a woman, and she must learn "manspeak." One fundamental of "manspeak" is when a man is having an issue, very unlike a woman, he generally does not like to talk about his feelings while he's having them. The best strategy for a wife, when her husband seems upset, is to gently let him know she is there for him, when he needs her. Delving deep into the difference between male and female modes of communication, Pamensky asserts that for women, words represent relationships, while for men, words are, well, words. Thus, there is a critical importance to how a husband speaks to his wife. A husband must never forget his wife is a "G.I.R.L. :" Gratitude - for every little thing
she does for her husband and family. If a husband treats his wife like a "G.I.R.L." Pamensky guarantees his wife will remember her husband is a MAN, and treat him appropriately, i.e., like an "ego with legs!" Most importantly, she will reward his every attempt to be a wonderful husband. The cornerstone of Pamensky's theory is a deeply held respect for "la difference" between the sexes, which goes way deeper than today's "politically correct" gender models (this perhaps explains Pamensky's recent success on the ABC hit show, "Politically Incorrect"). Pamensky's recipe for an amazing marriage has nothing to do with who earns more money. His mantra is based on the belief that women are, at their core, innately good at relationships: "Women are relationship beings. Men are… not." He asserts that men, being innately task oriented, need a "job" in the relationship, and that job is simply this: "Make your wife happy." If a husband accepts this as his life goal, the happiness he desires will be returned to him more than he can ever imagine. Would it work the other way around? Absolutely not, says Pamensky. If male happiness came first, husbands (not being relationship beings) could morph into totally satisfied couch potatoes, who would tend not to return the indulgences! As Rabbi Pamensky closes his lively seminar, he does so with a cautionary note about the ultimately serious nature of marriage.
CHANGE
THE WORLD RIGHT FROM YOUR HOME… Ever since the tragic events of September 11th, we have been bombarded by frightening and disturbing images on television, in newspapers and magazines. Every time we turn on the radio there is another upsetting development, creating a wave of anxiety and fear that is palpable and ever present.
If 18 people can do so much destruction, I believe 18 people can do a heck of a lot of goodness the other way. While practical, he is also very hopeful and optimistic about the world and what we can do to make a difference in it. When asked how people can relax and cope in light of these unsettling events, he answered. "Get moving! Remember the power of the individual. Now is the time for Jews to feel more empowered and not as helpless, to really say, 'What is it that I can be doing?' The key is to remember that we are a co-partner with G-d in making this world better. If 18 people can do so much destruction, I believe 18 people can do a heck of a lot of goodness the other way" Cecil Roth wrote a history of the Jews from a secular perspective, in the last paragraph of the book, Roth says: "I tried to write this book from a secular perspective, but it is impossible not to see a providence in the Jewish people's history". Hoch continues, "If one appreciates that, we realize that hope is not something we talked ourselves into, but it's a fact, it's a reality. The Jewish people have a destiny to change the world for the better, it stems from the covenant between ourselves and the Almighty, and therefore hope is the reality as opposed to the illusion. It is especially in these times where the hope has to be there." Achieving world peace can be an overwhelming concept. But Hoch maintains that you can't minimize the fact that peace ultimately begins by making peace with oneself, and with one's primary relationship, the relationship between husband and wife. "Interestingly, the Torah looks at marriage not only as a beautiful, satisfying personal relationship, but also as the basis for a peaceful society because of its definition, which is a man and a woman using their individuality to merge. He concept is the example of a piano and violin ensemble. The more the piano keeps its individuality and keeps improving in terms of its individual piano playing, and the same thing with the violin, the sound of that ensemble becomes more and more beautiful. So if the husband and wife keep growing as individuals, but use their talent and growth towards this merger, this unification, then the music will really be magnificent." So how does this make a difference with regards to world peace? "To make it work, not only do I give, I have to learn how to love to give. And the place where I most easily fulfill my potential to truly become human, is in this marriage relationship. Because that's where I learn to communicate in a way that still conveys love. That's where I learn to become a giver and a naturally outward focused person. And I take those virtues into the greater world out there because my marriage has served as my training ground. Imagine a society where that's how marriage is lived, and naturally this will be reflected in how people treat one another in the world at large."
"The home is the place where morals are passed on. That's where role models are really at their strongest."
Hoch suggests that it all begins with three important concepts: Tshuva, prayer, and Tzedakah. Tshuva means to return, which means: "I'm waking up to what I know I should be for could be. I've taken for granted standards and deeper things in life I believe in. It's getting in touch with what do I really feel is most important, what makes life worth living." If prayer is the next step, where do we begin and how should we pray? "Come up with your own personal prayer. Teach your children how to pray. And always finish off by thanking G-d for what you have received. If you don't - it's a one-sided relationship. What about Tzedakah? "Tzedakah means charity, that there is a world beyond just me. I'm part of a bigger world out there. I do actions to make a difference in other people's lives." "These are the three areas in life that can make us whole. That is our relationship with oneself, our relationship with our creator, and our relationship with other people. When we're working on these three levels, that's when we are living lives that are meaningful, fulfilling, and pleasurable. It makes a difference beyond ourselves and we become catalysts, helping the process of making our world kinder, safer and better. When focused outward, I'm living a meaningful life that's making an impact. I'm using my individual strengths to make a difference outwards. I think that is the greatest thing we can do in the memory of those people that we've lost." Are there acts of kindness we can do on a regular basis? "If I'm saying I want to become a kinder person, then commit to what is doable. It might be even as small as a daily hello to a stranger. But think about it, if you do this 365 days a year, that's a profound change that really adds up."
When the interview was over, a calm descended over the room, and a feeling of hope and optimism began to re-emerge once again. The one line that resonated long after Hoch spoke was that, "you do change the world from your home." This thought was so inspiring, because it is something each one of us can work towards. It is something each one of us can work towards. It is something doable and it is empowering to know that there is something each one of us can achieve in a time when we feel so helpless. So just think about the piano and the violin, and how tuning those instruments, and perfecting your playing, will make the music soar like never before, and create a harmony and a sense of peace, that we're all so desperately searching for. JEWISH
FAMILY INSTITUTE FOCUSES A hip Toronto rabbi is using humour and principles from the Torah to give audiences across North America the tools to make their marriage great. For the past three years, Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky has hosted an eight-week program at the Village Shul in Forest Hill, on How to Make Your Good Marriage Great. This summer his program has become more of a stand-up routine, now that he has hit the road and begun touring the continent. He has condensed the material – and jokes – into one and two-day seminars, and recently he has performed one and a half hour comedy shows geared for clubs. He also appeared as a relationship expert on Politically Incorrect, with host Bill Maher. “You’ll come out of [the program] with the tools to create the marriage of your dreams. You’ll have a ball, you’ll laugh and walk out with the marriage you always wanted,” said Rabbi Pamensky, who taught at CHAT for three years, was a rabbi in congregation in Israel, South Africa and Toronto, and is now speaking about marriage full time. “It’s very fun and funny." In Toronto, the original eight-week seminar is available only at the Jewish Family Institute (JFI) at the Village Shul. JFI’s co-director Bronwyn Shepherd says the program is perfect for their organization, whose mandate is to promote positive relationships between parents, children and spouses. The group’s aim is to provide families from all segments of the community with useful family-focused learning opportunities. “[There’s] such a demand that we have waiting lists,” she said. “[This program] goes well with all our principles. It makes good families great.” Shepherd said the course costs $180 and “gives you the tools to communicate with each other.” Rabbi Pamensky added that it’s his “dreams is to stem the tide of divorce,” and said couples often run into problems because they just are thrown into marriage, without an instruction manual. He explained that his program could perhaps double as one. As an example of the tools he gives couples during his program, Rabbi Pamensky cited the use of eye contact and the importance of always taking your spouse’s call. Susan Zehavi, co-director of JFI, has taken the class. “It is dynamic and hilarious. He’s so bang on and right,” she said. “[I] have a great appreciation for what’s involved for a happy relationship. There is a greater sensitivity in our marriage.” “I loved his humour. My husband loved it. We started thinking again about our relationship and making each other happy,” the mother of four added.
She said, Nashman’s husband, Harold, started the center because he wanted to honour Yetta’s morals and vision. It has grown tremendously and currently offers many family programs that Shepherd said “help people go down the right path [of marriage] the first time around.” Rabbi Pamensky’s course is only for married people, but he did admit with a laugh that “women don’t need as much coaching as men do.” For more information on How To Make Your Good Marriage Great or on the JFI, contact Shepherd at 416-785-1107, ext. 204. Overcoming Fear of the
Ordinary My friend, Jan, who runs a fine local lower school, told of taking a mother on a prospective parents' tour of the campus. The mom said that her daughter Sloane had a strong interest in science. "At another school I visited, the kindergarten teachers put streamers in the trees to demonstrate the properties of wind to the students," she reported. "I'm hoping you would do that here too. I wouldn't want Sloaner to miss out." Jan hesitated and thought for a moment. "We have leaves on our trees," she responded. "They do kind of the same thing. Can’t guarantee you we’ll be using streamers." Of course, Sloane's mother did not choose Jan’s school for her MIT bound four year-old. I thought about this mother’s decision, Why not seek the very best science curriculum right from the start? Why not give our children an edge? Shortly after, I read a third grade newsletter from another independent school. I noted that the word special was used five times on two pages. The Thanksgiving Sing was special. So was the Spellathon. The Emerging Artists exhibition was special. Even the unassuming Pie Drive was, for reasons not clearly revealed by the newsletter coverage, special indeed. And, finally, this year's third grade class was in itself a very, very special group. I wondered, Is it possible? So much specialness concentrated in one place? Was this really an extraordinary school with uncommonly dazzling children, committed teachers, generous and energetic families? In fact, this school is an admirable and solid place. The children are intelligent, sensitive and well-behaved, the teachers care, the parents give of their time and money. But it is not a terribly unusual school, and I questioned the benefit of believing otherwise. As today's parents look at our rapidly changing, complex, competitive world, many react protectively. They put their faith in superior schooling and uncommon levels of achievement hoping that this kind of preparation will elevate their children above the fray and armor them against an uncertain future. But there’s a price to pay for so much striving and fanfare and even for so much excellence. The head of a local school complained to me about his frustration with parents' high expectations:
Teachers have their own reaction to the problem of exceptional expectations. Remember Lake Woebegone, the fictional town created by Garrison Keillor, where "all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average?" That sunny, statistics-defying state of mind is familiar turf for lower school teachers. They describe hearing the same song every year when it's time for parent conferences. One weary lower school head told me:
And children themselves get bruised from the quest for the best. Listen to eleventh-grade Isabel, a top student at a top boarding school. She told me that she had been having a hard time with her schoolwork and her friends lately. Her teachers seemed to favor other students. The last two boys she hoped would become boyfriends hadn't been interested in her. She felt confused and hurt:
Isabel is unusually insightful and clear about
the sources of her problems. Other children, also suffering from
specialitis, express their problems with painful symptoms. Some
children who complain of headaches, stomachaches and chronic learning
and sleep problems may actually be suffering from a disorder of
parental expectations. In order to flourish, children don't need the best of everything. Instead they simply need what is good enough. This may include good enough (but dull) homework assignments, good enough (but a little crabby or uninspired) teachers, good enough (although insect- infested and humid) summer camps, and good enough (although bossy and shallow) friends. The Spellathon can be a success without being very, very special. Isabel can feel appreciated without hosannas. Consider that "good enough" can often be best for children, because when life is a bit mundane they won't end up with expectations of themselves and those around them that can't be met on this worldly plane. A Hassidic teaching speaks to the blessing
of the ordinary. The rabbis advise that each of us should keep two
pieces of paper in our pockets at all times. On one we write “
I am nothing but dust and ashes,” on the other, “The
world was created for me.” I once heard another beautiful
spiritual teaching but was unable to uncover the source. I will
pass it along to you. "Try to see your child as a seed that
came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right
environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can't decide
what kind of flower you'll get or in which season it will bloom."
PULL
THE PLUG ON STAND BY POWER Many Jewish schools teach the value of Tzeddakah (charity) through Tikkun Olam projects (a Hebrew expression meaning “repairing the world”). These projects range from raising money for local charities to projects that support Jewish causes in Israel. Conserving energy in our own homes can be the basis of a family Tikkun Olam project. Use bills from the last two years as a baseline for your family's average energy consumption. Then engage your family in a discussion on climate change issues, and why it's important for all of us to think of ways of conserving energy. Since water is such an important resource, especially in Israel, consider connecting the climate change issue to the challenges that will face Israel as water supplies are put under greater and greater natural and human-induced stresses. Your family can undertake very simple measures to cut your energy consumption. Money saved can be designated as a night out for the family, for a charity chosen as a family, or re-invested in more energy conservation. The benefits of a family commitment to energy conservation include learning invaluable basic and common sense skills of stewardship. This will require some learning since technological developments sometimes run ahead of us, and we then have to play catch-up. So here's some catching up. Curiously enough, our homes are now filled with devices which consume more electricity when not in use, than when they are serving our needs as they were designed to do. The Economist magazine highlighted this issue several months ago: “STRANGE though it seems, a typical microwave oven consumes more electricity powering its digital clock than it does heating food. For while heating food requires more than 100 times as much power as running the clock, most microwave ovens stand idle in standby mode more than 99% of the time. And they are not alone: many other devices, such as stereos and computers also spend much of their lives in standby mode, collectively consuming a huge amount of energy.”
It continues to surprise us how much power we consumed when we completely ignored conserving energy in the summer of 2005. It was certainly rewarding for all of us to see how our energy consumption has fallen to just 800 kWh. We have used the savings to switch to Bullfrog Power, an energy company that is committed to green sources of electricity consumption. We can now claim that our electricity use does not come from coal or nuclear power. So at the end of the day, we reduce our greenhouse gas emissions, save money and contribute to Tikkun Olam. References 1. Pulling the plug on standby
power, Mar 9th 2006, The Economist.
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Toronto
Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, who has recently created a seminar on marriage,
would assert that the quality of your marriage is not an important
facet of your life -- but that it is your life. Whether or not you
consciously acknowledge the power of this primal relationship, the
state of this union has the inherent power to determine the quality
of all your other relationships, with children, relatives, friends,
and business colleagues. With so much at stake, why not try to take
your marriage, even if it is already good enough -- to great? And
even -- to amazing? Why not enrich your marriage until it becomes
the crowning glory of your life, an investment that will, in turn,
sweeten and deepen all your other relationships? 
The
downside to a less than amazing marriage can be severe. When a husband
chooses not to make his wife happy, says Pamensky, he risks destroying
the precious human being who, by definition of her womanhood, has
entrusted her husband with her mind, soul, and body, because she
counts on this core relationship to be the crowning glory of her
life. How much stronger is the allure of the upside "opportunity"
for happiness in marriage - a relationship with the inherent power
to create the enlightened life of a happy home, a contented family,
personal actualization, and a myriad of enriched relationships in
all aspects of existence?
It
was therefore very uplifting and comforting to talk with Ahron Hoch,
the Rabbi of the The Village Shul, about how we can achieve hope,
world peace and peace of mind in these troubled times.
Suprisingly,
in Judaism, the home is the most important construct - even more
important than the synagogue
"You
do change the world from your home."
JFI
was founded on the principles of the late Yetta Nashman, of whom
Zehavi said, “Her entire focus was on relationships. Every
person thought they were very special.”
In recent studies by the Lawrence Livermore
National Laboratory in California, it has been estimated that standby
power is responsible for 5% of U.S. residential consumption. In Canada,
it is estimated that standby power demand is 585 megawatts of power, the
equivalent of almost 800 wind turbines like the one at Exhibition Place.
In our home, we have taken this absurdity seriously by effectively using
power bars to eliminate almost all standby power consumption. My family
reached a record low level of electricity consumption just this past month.
Recent conservation efforts include elimination of standby power of a TV/VCR
and DVD player, an Internet modem, a fax machine, and a phone. This, along
with a “lights out at dinner
(besides the dining room lights)” policy all contributed to a level of consumption
that is 38% and 68% less than equivalent time-frames in previous
years. My older children (age 10 and 11) now understand that reducing electricity
use reduces the amount of pollution, an issue that is of great concern in
a city like Toronto, that suffers smog advisories more and more often.