Jewish Family Institute

Ask the Experts

Rabbi Ahron Hoch, The Village Shul Rabbi

Q I recently attended the Shiva for someone I do not know very well. Could you please let me know the right way to approach such a visit – what should I say, should I bring anything like food with me, and how long do I stay? Any advice you can give me for dealing with this situation would be most appreciated.

A The first thing you should do is acknowledge that no matter how much you try, you probably cannot appreciate the loss or emotional pain the person you are visiting is going through. This is especially true if you have not experienced a loss of similar magnitude. This mindset will allow you to enter the Shiva house with sensitivity, empathy and humility. There are no particular rules for the visit other than to show you care and to acknowledge the person's deep loss. Sometimes the less said the better. Statements like “time will heal your pain” and “G-d gives us only what we can cope with” are often not helpful to the mourner. Sometimes, these sentiments may not apply to the person at all, and may actually cause harm. Remember also that the person's loss is profound and mourning will extend well beyond the Shiva. If you are a good friend, it is critical to be there for people after the Shiva. Try to follow up your Shiva visit with a kind note, a phone call, an offer to help with the kids, a meal, or whatever else you think might be needed. The couple of weeks afterwards are very very difficult and you should constantly check in and be there for them.

Sarah Chana Radcliffe, psychologist and family therapist

Q My wife and I have been married for 7 years. What one technique can I use to improve my marriage?

A Keep your conversation PLEASANT almost every time you are with your wife – that is, 9 times out of 10 should be pleasant from her point of view. This means refrain from complaints, criticism and even instructions. Instead, tell jokes, show interest, give compliments, give enthusiastic greetings, show appreciation (say “thank-you!”), offer encouragement, give sympathy, tell good stories, offer help – in other words, be great to be around! Accompany all these good words with some pleasant facial expressions, shows of physical affection and regular (small) gifts – and you will be one loveable guy! Even if you never did this before, you can start doing it now and discover the wonderful results yourself. Heal the past and build the future with this powerful strategy!

Dr Jerry Lob, psychologist and family therapist

Q What level of personal honesty should you have with your Teen? If they ask you “did you do drugs or did you have premarital sex?” I have certainly done things in my past that I would not want my kids doing, but what do I tell them?

A You need to ask yourself two questions. 1) What are your values that you want your children to adhere to, and are you clear about them? You must be clear on what values you want your children to grow up with. 2) Do your children know or suspect strongly what your own history was?

If the answer to #2 is they know, or suspect strongly, that you, their parent, were involved in activities that you are now opposed to, then obviously you need to be straight with them, and be frank, about why you now feel that you regret doing what you did, and how those activities may have harmed you. If they don't know, you shouldn’t tell them, because it is very difficult for a parent to tell a child they can't do something that they themselves did. It's the old "do as I say, not as I do” problem.

Parents don't need to share all the negative things of their past with their children - it's not wise. What also doesn't work is an obvious lie, a la President Clinton, about smoking but not inhaling. Children lose all respect for such silliness, and are pretty much convinced that they can’t have a straight conversation with their parents.